Reflections of the Past
by maey890
Summary: After catching Harry and Ginny kissing in the courtyard, Snape is reminded of his love for Lily Evans and used his Pensieve to remember his woeful past.


Professor Severus Snape slowly breathed in the fresh air of the night and gazed up at the twinkling stars. He closed his onyx black eyes and sighed, losing himself in the moment, forgetting all of his sorrows and pains. He enjoyed coming out to the courtyard and gazing at the stars before retiring for the night. He sighed once more and felt himself drifting off to sleep—

"Eggghhhh!"

Startled by the noise, Snape jumped slightly.

"What was _that_?" he thought. The hooked-nosed Professor narrowed his dark eyes and peered around the courtyard. Two shadowed figures were passionately kissing in the corner. His ear twitched as he heard loud, wet, smacking noise. Extremely agitated by this interruption he angrily marched toward the young couple, more than ready to ream them out for engaging in such a repulsive public display of affection. As he drew nearer he could see the boy was none other than the student loathed most—Harry Potter. He couldn't tell who the girl was, there was dark smokey shadow concealing her face.

"Fancy meeting you here Potter? Out having a late-night snog I can see." Snape sneered at the boy, not at all caring that hatred and disgust was written all over his face.

"Pr-Professor?" Harry stuttered extremely startled.

"Fifty points from Gryffindor for you Potter and Fifty points from whatever house your little girlfriend is in. Now go to your dormitories! If I see you having midnight hanky-panky again you can be _assured_ you'll lose more than a plethora of points from your miserable Houses!" Harry quickly grabbed his frightened girlfriend's hand and began to walk as fast as he could away from Snape.

"Ginny, come on!" he whispered to the girl in the shadows. As she sheepishly stepped out from the shadows Snape's heart melted. The girl was extremely beautiful and had cascades of richly colored red hair.

Snape froze. Potter…? Snogging with a red head…? Why it almost reminded him of—No! It distinctly reminded him of James and…_her_…Suddenly Snape was filled with a red hot rage.

"I SAID GET OUT OF MY SIGHT POTTER! GET BACK TO YOUR COMMON ROOM BEFORE I DEDUCT 200 POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!"

"Eeeep!" Ginny squealed as Harry frightfully jumped into the air higher than bullfrog. He grabbed her hand as quick as the speed of sound and sped away from the anger-stricken Snape as fast as his legs could carry him. Snape stood in the courtyard, paralyzed by what he had seen…what it reminded him of. He stared into the night and his expression became a look of longing, anger, and lovesickness. His black eyebrows furrowed upwards and his lip began to tremble as he saw a boy who looked almost exactly like Harry press his lips to an absolutely beautiful red haired girl. She was almost doll-like with her silky, coral red locks that fell in loose curls past her waist. Her skin so soft and pink, almost like porcelain. Her sparkling emerald green eyes surrounded by long red lashes, matching her hair. Her image clouding his entire mind. Why, he could almost touch her, feel her, breathe in the flowery smell of her beautiful, mermaid-like hair. Snape gasped and squeezed his eyes shut, breathing heavily, his eyebrows furrowing upward once more.

"James…!" He heard her sweet voice echo. "James…!" He saw them kiss again even more passionately than the first time, their lips fitting together so perfectly…almost like puzzle pieces. He squeezed his eyes shut again, desperately trying to shove the image out of his mind. The scene changed as the girl laughed loudly but beautifully as James lifted her into the air, her snow white wedding dress flowing all around her. "James…!" She echoed again. "I love you!" Their lips were about to touch once more and Snape broke down.

"Dammit!" His deep voice echoed as he slammed the door of his dungeon shut. His lip trembled fiercely as he leaned against the wooden door. He clenched his teeth as his eyes began to sparkle with tears. "Why…?" his deep, alluring voice croaked. His stomach lurched inward as tears drizzled from his eyes in buckets. "Why? " he wept quietly as he slid down onto the cold, stone floor. His emotionally tortured, wounded, and beaten heart throbbing in his chest. He slowly stood up between sobs and walked toward his desk where his Pensieve lay. He wanted to see why she chose _him _and not he. See what James had that he did not. He carefully leaned over the Pensieve so that a few of his tears dripped into the mysterious bowl. He bent down and gazed into his childhood once again.

Alone. Severus Snape was alone. His family had neglected him and he had no friends. Well…no _real_ friends…the closest thing he had to friends were two fellow Slytherins: Mulciber and Avery who only used Severus's sharp mind to get what they wanted. He had a friend once, a beautiful kind, and talented witch named Lily Evans. To tell you the truth she meant everything to him. In fact, he had been deeply, madly, uncontrollably in love with her ever since he was nine years old. Feeling unstable with himself after coming to Hogwarts he had become "friends" with Muciber and Avery, which had irked Lily, along with his interest in the Dark Arts. She had given up their friendship after he called her the most horrible name utterable in the wizarding world…Mudblood.

He had desperately tried to apologize after the incident but she was fed up with him and turned him away. Snape watched as his beloved Lily shut the door to the Gryffindor common room in his face, never to speak to him again. Younger Snape slammed his fists on the wall, clenching his teeth. The Fat Lady saw his distress and spoke gently to him:

"I'm sure she'll come around sweetheart, girls can be complicated sometimes—"

"SHUT UP!" Snape bellowed as his head darted around at her. His eyes full of heartbroken anger. The Fat Lady sighed and turned her head away from him, still looking rather concerned.

Snape watched as his sixteen year old self quickly ran away from the Gryffindor common room until he found himself in a deserted corridor where he locked himself inside a broom closet. Sixteen year old Snape sat down on the hard, stone floor and began sobbing so bitterly and sincerely that it would be almost disturbing to witness. Older Snape watched as his younger self hugged his legs to his chest, burying his hooked nose in his knobby knees. A position he commonly took as a child. It was his way of comforting himself; since there was no one he could bear to see him like this…except Lily maybe. Young Snape tried to stifle his sobs but sometimes he howled so loud it was impossible to keep them hidden.

Very commonly did Snape feel grief or fear as a child. His father, Tobias Snape was a cruel, raging drunk who often beat his son along with his wife. In fact Severus still had scars from some particularly bad beatings. He was also relentlessly bullied at school, especially by James Potter's group who called themselves "The Marauders." On top of that he considered himself (along with many others) to be extremely sour-looking. He was skinny, pale, greasy-haired, and had a rather large, slim, hooked nose which he absolutely despised. The only person who had ever called him attractive in his entire life was Lily Evans…she had even said she _liked _the shape of his nose. Suddenly the scene changed to that very moment. He was about eleven now. Lily and he were in a field of flowers. She plopped a wreath of daisies on his head and exclaimed:

"Look now you're even more handsome!" Then she giggled the chuckle that Severus so loved to hear her laugh. It was warm, gentle, bright, and soothed his ears. He couldn't help but smile when he heard it. Then eleven year old Snape spoke, obviously disgruntled:

"Don't mock me! I know I'm ugly, alright? I don't need you to remind me of it!"

"Sev! I wasn't mocking you! I was being serious! You're the handsomest boy I've ever seen!"

"Oh yeah? Well, last time I checked handsome boys don't have big, ugly, hooked noses!"

"Your nose is not ugly Sev! Lily pleaded. "Hooked, yes, but _not_ ugly! In fact I really _like_ the shape of your nose!" Suddenly Lily leaned toward the younger Snape and gently kissed the tip of the nose he had loathed for as long as he could remember. A pink blush fell over the two children's cheeks as Lily gazed into the dumbstruck boy's black eyes. His hand quickly rose to the spot she had kissed.

"Y-You…_like_ my nose…?" He stuttered, still shocked that she had kissed him.

"Of course I do! If I didn't I wouldn't have…" She felt a little uncomfortable finishing that sentence, so she just giggled.

"Oh…and d-did you really mean it when you said I was…the handsomest…boy you ever met?"

"Yes! Yes! Yes! Sev, you are sincerely the…the handsomest boy I've ever seen!" After saying this she blushed bright red and so did Sev. Now realizing she was not joking he felt his heart leap.

"Oh…" whispered Severus. "Thanks…"

The scene changed. Snape was back in Hogwarts again this time seventeen years old. His older self walked closer to the Quidditch practice field where he, The Marauders and many other students excluding Lily stood. James pointed his wand at Snape, who was tightly holding a crumpled piece of paper in his hand, and pinned him to a tree with a hex.

"So? What's this little piece of parchment Snivelly?"

Older Snape felt his stomach lurch again…he knew what was coming…

"Nothing, Potter! Dammit! Mind your own business you bloody coward!" He watched himself struggle to keep his hand closed as James wrestled for the piece of parchment but eventually with the help of Sirius Black, James grabbed the parchment from Snape.

"DON'T READ IT!" Snape bellowed as a deep crimson blush took over his entire complexion.

James's eyes brightened and his mouth twisted into a wry smile as he glanced at the parchment, reading it to himself.

"What does it say?" asked a Sirius Black.

"Read it!" yelled a rather portly Griffindor boy.

"Yeah!" agreed a Ravenclaw girl with a rather shaggy hair. "C'mon!"

James looked at Snape with a cruel, staining, twinkle in his eye. His wry smile still twisted at the corners of his mouth.

"PLEASE!" screamed Snape. "DON'T READ IT! IT'S PRIVATE!" His voice cracked on the last sentence. "Please…!" He whispered, clenching his teeth. James laughed a very loud, cruel, unmerciful, laugh and cleared his throat. He began reading the parchment in an overly emotional and sappy voice. Obviously trying to mock Snape:

"Dear my beloved Lily," James paused to roll his eyes and pressed the parchment to his chest, obviously pretending to be in a love dreamworld. The crowd burst into laughter. James continued reading, trying to sound as overly mawkish as possible.

"I am writing you this letter as the deepest, most sincere apology of my heart. I never meant to call you that filthy name last year. Only a disgusting swine of a wizard would call a witch as wonderful as you something as filthy as "Mudblood." I was blinded by humiliation. Please, please forgive me Lily. I can't stand living withought you. I feel like a piece of me is missing—"

James paused again and mocked wiping a tear from his eye. Then he pretended to blow his nose on his sleeve. The crowd burst into laughter once again. Younger Snape who was still hexed lay against the tree, his head hanging down in humiliation. Older Snape covered his face with his hands, unable to watch. What was worse he thought? Getting his trousers taken off in front of the whole school or this? James continued, batting his eyelashes as he read:

"Lily we have been friends for as long as I can remember and I do not want to end this relationship. Not now, not ever. You are my light. You guide me and lift my spirits. You treat me like no one else has treated me—with kindness. I have wanted to tell you this ever since the day we met at the playground. I love you more than _anything_ in the entire universe. I am so in love with you I can hardly stand it anymore. I stay awake all night sometimes with your angelic image haunting my entire mind. Your long gorgeous coral red hair, your soft pink skin, and your shining, crystal green eyes are the most beautiful treasures in the world. You are the most gorgeous thing I've ever seen in my entire life and you mean everything to me, I'll do _anything _for you my princess, just please, please forgive me…

Sincerely,

Severus Snape"

The hex had slightly worn of and Younger Snape was huddled into a ball, shaking with anger and humiliation. James mocked wiping a tear away once more and cleared his throat.

"Oooooh Lily my darrrrrling!" he mocked in an extremely exaggerated sappy voice as he bent down on one knee in front of Sirius. "Will you marry me my enchanting goddess of beauty?" Sirius played along and pretended to twirl his hair. The crowd guffawed in laughter and younger Snape buried his head even farther into his knees, sniffling quietly, desperately trying to hide his embarrassed sobs.

"Ooooooh! Severus!" Sirius squealed in an overly high girly voice as James pretended to kiss Sirius's hand with loud smacking slobber noises . "You're the perfect man for me! I just _adoooore_ dorky grease-buckets like you!" The crowd laughed the hardest they ever had after hearing this. Older Snape clenched his teeth, glaring at the two boys.

"I will _always_ hate you James Potter…_always._" Older Snape whispered. The hex on younger Snape had fully worn off now. He hurriedly sneaked up behind James and grabbed the love letter to make sure he wouldn't read it to anyone else and ran as fast as he could from the guffawing crowd. James called to him in the distance.

"Awwwww! Did I hurt ol' Snivellbwains feelings? Poor baby! Why don't you go cry to your Wovely Wily? Oh wait you can't! She _hates your guts!_ "

Young Snape felt hot tears running down his cheeks as he began ripping his letter to shreds…the letter that took him the whole summer to write…

"And stay out!" James yelled as he and Sirius high fived. The scene changed.

It was still the same day but later. Younger Snape was walking down the hall, on the way to Gryffindor tower with an extravagant bouquet of enchanted Lilies in his hand, determined to apologize to his beautiful princess. All the sudden then two students ran into the hallway not noticing Snape. It was James and Lily. Quickly Snape hid behind a gargoyle.

"Lily…I came here so we could be alone…I have a present for you, well, a letter…here, let me read it to you." James whispered. Younger Snape froze and listened to the conversation. James read to Lily, in a romantic, sincere tone:

"Dear my beloved Lily,

I am writing you this letter as the deepest, most sincere apology of my heart. I never meant to tease you all the past years. Only a disgusting swine of a wizard would relentlessly bother a witch as wonderful as you every single day. I was blinded by young immaturity. Please, please forgive me Lily. I can't stand living withought you. I feel like a piece of me is missing. Lily, we have known each other for as long as I can remember and I want to upgrade this relationship…to be more than friends. You are my light. You guide me and lift my spirits. I see how you treat others—with kindness. I become jealous when it's not me. I have wanted to tell you this ever since the day we met in the Hogwarts Express, Lily, I love you. Please forgive me Lily. I am so in love with you I can hardly stand it anymore. I stay awake all night sometimes with your angelic image haunting my entire mind. Your long gorgeous coral red hair, your soft pink skin, and your shining, crystal green eyes are the most beautiful treasures in the world. You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen and you mean everything to me, I'll do _anything _for you my princess, just please, please forgive me…

Sincerely,

James Potter"

Younger Snape sat dumbstruck. That was _his_ letter! Yes, some of the words had been replaced or rearranged but the emotional effect was still the same! Older Snape looked at James with pure hatred. His sharp eyes digging into him like daggers.

"…James?" Lily asked, her emerald green eyes glistening. "Do you really mean everything you said in that letter?"

"Yes." he whispered as he gently leaned toward her.

"Then…that was very sweet…James…" She began to caress his cheek, their eyes moist and dreamy.

Younger Snape peered around the corner of the gargoyle. He felt as if he wanted to rip his heart out…

"James…I love you too…" she whispered as she pressed her lips to James's mouth, believing every word of the letter that took James ten minutes to edit.

The kiss was not perverted, awkward, or childish…it was sincere, romantic, and honest. Snape watched in agony as the two continued their romantic kiss. They began to embrace each other and run their hands through each other's hair. Every second watching was like brutal stabs being inflicted on his heart. Younger Snape's lips trembled as he turned away from the new lovers. He leaned against the gargoyle statue and dropped the bouquet as tears spilled from his black eyes. He felt as if his life had been lost, like there was no hope. Today was supposed to be the day he apologized, when he would finally feel Lily's gentle embrace and her soft, pink lips upon his. But it had backfired on him. Today was his last chance and he blew it. The bouquet he had enchanted was now wilting into brown, dead, hopelessness. He had lost his beautiful Lily flower to a common weed. Older Snape couldn't bear to see anymore and exited his memories. He then sat at his desk, covering his head with his hands sobbing again. Everything was James's fault. If it wasn't for James Lily would have married him. If it wasn't for James he would have _never_ called Lily a Mudblood. If it wasn't for James Lily would still be alive! Slowly Snape grew tired as he cried himself to sleep, only to dream of his lovely Lily and what love could have been between them.


End file.
